National Joke Day Competition - Closed

National Joke Day Competition - Closed
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Are you having a laugh?
Well, you should be. Because Friday 16 August 2019 is National Joke Day, the perfect time of year to tell your favourite joke. Post it below, and you could win one of two £50 prizes!
Even if it’s an old gag, it can still be a good one. But how old, exactly? Well, the world’s oldest recorded joke can be traced back as far as 1900BC. It was a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now Southern Iraq, and believe it or not… it was a fart joke.

Here it is, but be warned, it hasn’t aged very well:
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.

You probably had to be there, right?

So come on, surely you can do better! Post your best joke, and we’ll give 2 lucky winners a £50 Curry’s voucher. It will be selected randomly.

Over to you. Make your joke absolutely hilarious, but keep it clean and free of anything that could cause offense. Are fart jokes allowed, we hear you say? We’re not sure. You can risk it - or blow if off and choose another subject. It’s up to you.

Competition deadline is midday on 23rd August. The winner will be announced on this page, and we’ll also send them a private message with details of how and when they’ll get their £50 Curry’s voucher. T&Cs apply, and they’re not even the slightest bit amusing.

338 replies

Userlevel 2
What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror??

Halloumi 😄😄
Userlevel 2
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Userlevel 2
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised :)
Userlevel 2
Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff.... Tequila 😆
Userlevel 1
I was just mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
Userlevel 1
Here’s a joke:
Boris Johnson
Userlevel 1
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"
Userlevel 1
The Lord said to John “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”
John came fifth, and won a £5 book voucher
Userlevel 1
I don't often tell dad jokes but when I do he laughs
Userlevel 1
I actually got a signal with ID mobile. Just kidding! 😂
Userlevel 1
Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Obama are standing at Gods throne in heaven. God asks Hillary and Obama what they believe in. They believe in peace happiness and hard work. God asks Donald trump what he believes in.
Trump: “I believe you’re in my seat.”😂😂😂
Userlevel 1
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
Userlevel 2
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Flop
Userlevel 1
I used to run a dating agency for chickens. Had to stop though as I struggled to make hens meet
Userlevel 1
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says” uno, dos” *POOF*...
he dissapeared without a tres
Userlevel 1
What do you call a donkey with no eyes, no ears, no legs or anything?

A hairy potato
Userlevel 2
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, amnesiac agnostic?
He lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.....
Userlevel 2
A man walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entrendre.

So she gives him one.....
Userlevel 2
A limbo dancer walks into a bar..
Userlevel 1
What do you do to water to make it holy?

....

Burn the hell out of it
Userlevel 1
What do u call a guy without shins? Tony 🤣🤣 toe/knee
Userlevel 1
Patient - "Doctor, doctor - I feel trapped between two jokes."

Doctor - "Who's there?"
Userlevel 1
I bought my Dad a fridge for Father's Day - I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it
Userlevel 1
My grandad died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike the passengers on his bus who died screaming.
Userlevel 1
I recently started a band called 999 megabytes... we're good but we haven't got a gig yet!

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