National Joke Day Competition - Closed

National Joke Day Competition - Closed

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I recently started a band called 999 megabytes... we're good but we haven't got a gig yet!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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What did Mr. Morse say as he finally finished his code ?
There didit.
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Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled in by a strong current!!!
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The wife comes storming into the kitchen, “Did you not just hear me tumble down the stairs?” She howls.
”Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders.” I replied.
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I don't trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
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Why does the Swedish military have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scan-de-navy-in
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what did Noah do to his apple? hebruised it
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs
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Just been to the Gym, they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour coz I started to feel sick. Its great though it does everything Kitkats, Snickers, Mars Bars, Crisps, the effing lot!!!!!
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Yesterday I was outside trying to catch fog.

mist
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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?" The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
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I’ve just burned my Hawaiian pizza.

I should have put it on aloha temperature...
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What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A Wonky.

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A Winky Wonky.

What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye, that sings songs by the Rolling Stones?
A Honky Tonky Winky Wonky.
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I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.
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When I was younger I was very addicted to the Hokey Cokey! But I turned myself around, and that's what it's all about!
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What do you say to the Zen Master hot dog seller?
Make me one with everything
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What do you call a unicorn without a horn? Pointless
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What do Henry the 8th and Kermit the Frog have in common?
The same middle name
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I've watched Mary Poppins so many times I started getting problems with my sight. I went to the doctors to get it checked out, apparently I had umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
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I don't know if this is a proper joke but here I go...

Ask Google why the Corn-flakes were invented...

Advice, avoid any liquid ingestion while proceeding
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It's sad, but all the good jokes about gas argon
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My new years resolution is to stop using spray on deodorant!

Roll on next year!
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Which is the most interesting thing about Slough?
The bus to London
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Why was the mobile phone wearing glasses?
Because it lost its contacts

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