Are you having a laugh?
Well, you should be. Because Friday 16 August 2019 is National Joke Day, the perfect time of year to tell your favourite joke. Post it below, and you could win one of two £50 prizes!
Even if it’s an old gag, it can still be a good one. But how old, exactly? Well, the world’s oldest recorded joke can be traced back as far as 1900BC. It was a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now Southern Iraq, and believe it or not… it was a fart joke.
Here it is, but be warned, it hasn’t aged very well:
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.
You probably had to be there, right?
So come on, surely you can do better! Post your best joke, and we’ll give 2 lucky winners a £50 Curry’s voucher. It will be selected randomly.
Over to you. Make your joke absolutely hilarious, but keep it clean and free of anything that could cause offense. Are fart jokes allowed, we hear you say? We’re not sure. You can risk it - or blow if off and choose another subject. It’s up to you.
Competition deadline is midday on 23rd August. The winner will be announced on this page, and we’ll also send them a private message with details of how and when they’ll get their £50 Curry’s voucher. T&Cs apply, and they’re not even the slightest bit amusing.
Page 10 / 14
Userlevel 1
I want to tell u a dirty joke?
The boy fell in the mud!
The boy fell in the mud!
Userlevel 1
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Userlevel 1
Why does Santa have one big red ball? He only comes once a year.
Userlevel 1
Met this girl and took her home to meet my parents, my dad whispered to me "where the heck did you find her? She's cross eyed, bow legged and has buck teeth," I answered "there's no need to whisper dad she's deaf."
Userlevel 1
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty pounds all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband?
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 pound note.
He took the crumpled Twenty pound note from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty pound all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled Fifty pound note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen 25,000 pounds all crumpled up?”
He said “No!”trying to hide his excitement and arousal.
She said….. “Darling, go check the garage.”
“No,” said her husband?
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 pound note.
He took the crumpled Twenty pound note from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty pound all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled Fifty pound note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen 25,000 pounds all crumpled up?”
He said “No!”trying to hide his excitement and arousal.
She said….. “Darling, go check the garage.”
Userlevel 1
I went to post some classical cds in a padded envelope. I told the missus I'd be Bach in a jiffy!!
Userlevel 1
What does a cow with no lips say?
”Ooooooooo”
”Ooooooooo”
Userlevel 1
Whats Brown & Sticky?
A Stick 😙
A Stick 😙
Userlevel 1
Sone astronauts were planning a trip to the sun...
'Won't it be too warm' asked a bystander
'No' replied am astronaut, "we'll go at night'
'Won't it be too warm' asked a bystander
'No' replied am astronaut, "we'll go at night'
Userlevel 1
A Huddersfield woman stepped delicately out of the shower and slipped on the wet bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over, her legs skidded apart causing her to do the splits and suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles.
Stuck like a limpet to a ship's hull, she cried out for her husband.
"Dave!!!," she yelled.
So gulped down his can of beer and came running in.
I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said .
"Chuffin 'ell Love" said he as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck bad I'll nip across t' road and get Fred.
They come running back and they both try to pull the wife free.
"Nay, we can't do it. We can't break the vacuum," said Fred
"Lets go to Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Dave. "What's Plan B?"
"I go back home and get me hammer and chisel. Then we break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." Fred Replied
"Spot on, said Dave. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" , "Not exactly a good time for that, pal ."
"No" Dave replied, "But I reckon if I can get her aroused enough, we can slide her through inter t' kitchen where t' tiles aren't so expensive...
Instead of falling over, her legs skidded apart causing her to do the splits and suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles.
Stuck like a limpet to a ship's hull, she cried out for her husband.
"Dave!!!," she yelled.
So gulped down his can of beer and came running in.
I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said .
"Chuffin 'ell Love" said he as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck bad I'll nip across t' road and get Fred.
They come running back and they both try to pull the wife free.
"Nay, we can't do it. We can't break the vacuum," said Fred
"Lets go to Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Dave. "What's Plan B?"
"I go back home and get me hammer and chisel. Then we break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." Fred Replied
"Spot on, said Dave. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" , "Not exactly a good time for that, pal ."
"No" Dave replied, "But I reckon if I can get her aroused enough, we can slide her through inter t' kitchen where t' tiles aren't so expensive...
Userlevel 1
I tried to catch fog yesterday.... mist! #NationalTellAJokeDay
Userlevel 1
i'm so good at sleeping i can do it with my eyes closed
Userlevel 1
today at the bank a man asked me to check his balance, so i pushed him over
Userlevel 1
Two oranges rolling down the hill, one stopped why?
It ran out of juice.
It ran out of juice.
Userlevel 1
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden
Chase it round the garden
Userlevel 1
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
whats blue and fluffy?
...
pink fluff holding its breath!!
Pink fluff
whats blue and fluffy?
...
pink fluff holding its breath!!
Userlevel 1
Apparently you can't use 'Beef Stew' as a password.
It's not stroganoff!
It's not stroganoff!
Userlevel 1
Skepta told me don't watch nothin'
So I went home and smashed my TV
So I went home and smashed my TV
Why don't Mexicans like instructions??
They only have manuels!!
They only have manuels!!
Userlevel 1
What do you call a budgie that's been over by a Lawn Mower?
Shredded Tweet!
Shredded Tweet!
What do you call a cow who has just given birth? De-calf-inated
Userlevel 1
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
😁
Nice belt!
😁
Userlevel 1
Userlevel 1
What do you call a choir boy?
Sam-sung.
What do you call a choir boy on the moon?
Sam-sung galaxy. (I asked my partner and he said Sam-sung galaxy note - I like this too 😂).
*these aren't that bad considering I made them up myself at 11pm tonight * 😐
Sam-sung.
What do you call a choir boy on the moon?
Sam-sung galaxy. (I asked my partner and he said Sam-sung galaxy note - I like this too 😂).
*these aren't that bad considering I made them up myself at 11pm tonight * 😐
Userlevel 1
Why did the meatballs tell the
Spaghetti go to bed
it was pasta bednight
Spaghetti go to bed
it was pasta bednight
Page 10 / 14
Reply
Sign up
Already have an account? Login
Log in / Register
No account yet? It's really easy to register here
Or log in to the iD Community using your Facebook account
Log in with Facebookor
Enter your username or e-mail address. We'll send you an e-mail with instructions to reset your password.
Why iD
Mobile?
- Data Rollover
- Bill Capping
- Roaming
- Find out more