Are you having a laugh?
Well, you should be. Because Friday 16 August 2019 is National Joke Day, the perfect time of year to tell your favourite joke. Post it below, and you could win one of two £50 prizes!
Even if it’s an old gag, it can still be a good one. But how old, exactly? Well, the world’s oldest recorded joke can be traced back as far as 1900BC. It was a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now Southern Iraq, and believe it or not… it was a fart joke.
Here it is, but be warned, it hasn’t aged very well:
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.
You probably had to be there, right?
So come on, surely you can do better! Post your best joke, and we’ll give 2 lucky winners a £50 Curry’s voucher. It will be selected randomly.
Over to you. Make your joke absolutely hilarious, but keep it clean and free of anything that could cause offense. Are fart jokes allowed, we hear you say? We’re not sure. You can risk it - or blow if off and choose another subject. It’s up to you.
Competition deadline is midday on 23rd August. The winner will be announced on this page, and we’ll also send them a private message with details of how and when they’ll get their £50 Curry’s voucher. T&Cs apply, and they’re not even the slightest bit amusing.
National Joke Day Competition - Closed
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What do you do to water to make it holy?
....
Burn the hell out of it
....
Burn the hell out of it
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What do u call a guy without shins? Tony 🤣🤣 toe/knee
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Patient - "Doctor, doctor - I feel trapped between two jokes."
Doctor - "Who's there?"
Doctor - "Who's there?"
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what bee producers milk a boobie
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I bought my Dad a fridge for Father's Day - I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it
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What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?
KETCHUP
KETCHUP
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I always read my wife's horoscope, to see what sort of day I'm going to have....
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
He worked it out with a pencil.
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Why are there no Asprins in the jungle ?
Because the parrots ate them all !
Because the parrots ate them all !
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Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 6
1 to change the bulb 5 to sing about how good the old bulb was. 👍
A: 6
1 to change the bulb 5 to sing about how good the old bulb was. 👍
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
“Breathe, man! Breathe!”
“Breathe, man! Breathe!”
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Whats blue and not heavy?
Light Blue
Light Blue
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling very well
It wasn't peeling very well
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What did the pepperoni say to the chef?
D'ya wanna pizza me?
(My daughter's favourite)
D'ya wanna pizza me?
(My daughter's favourite)
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My grandad died peacefully in his sleep. Unlike the passengers on his bus who died screaming.
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Allotment holder to policeman: Someone keeps dumping soil on my allotment.
Policeman: .. the plot thickens
Policeman: .. the plot thickens
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Why did the sand blush?
Because the sea weed
Because the sea weed
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According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half-horse, half-human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
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I was in the bank today and this nice little old lady asked if I could help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take many steps to avoid them.
I take many steps to avoid them.
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What do you call 2 rows of cabbages?
A duel cabbage way
A duel cabbage way
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Bike is short for Bichael.
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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot 😂😂😂
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Donald Trump was getting his daily briefing at the end he was told :
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" The president exclaims. "That's terrible!".
His staff stunned at this display of emotion nervously watching as the president sits, heads in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" The president exclaims. "That's terrible!".
His staff stunned at this display of emotion nervously watching as the president sits, heads in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"
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