Are you having a laugh?
Well, you should be. Because Friday 16 August 2019 is National Joke Day, the perfect time of year to tell your favourite joke. Post it below, and you could win one of two £50 prizes!
Even if it’s an old gag, it can still be a good one. But how old, exactly? Well, the world’s oldest recorded joke can be traced back as far as 1900BC. It was a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now Southern Iraq, and believe it or not… it was a fart joke.
Here it is, but be warned, it hasn’t aged very well:
Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.
You probably had to be there, right?
So come on, surely you can do better! Post your best joke, and we’ll give 2 lucky winners a £50 Curry’s voucher. It will be selected randomly.
Over to you. Make your joke absolutely hilarious, but keep it clean and free of anything that could cause offense. Are fart jokes allowed, we hear you say? We’re not sure. You can risk it - or blow if off and choose another subject. It’s up to you.
Competition deadline is midday on 23rd August. The winner will be announced on this page, and we’ll also send them a private message with details of how and when they’ll get their £50 Curry’s voucher. T&Cs apply, and they’re not even the slightest bit amusing.
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Who’s the coolest guy who works at the hospital? The ultrasound guy.
Who the coolest guy when the ultrasound guy is on holiday? The hip replacement guy
Who the coolest guy when the ultrasound guy is on holiday? The hip replacement guy
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I swopped our bed the other day for a trampoline... The wife hit the roof
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Two monkeys in a bath and one turns to the other and says"Ooh Ooh Aah Aah.." and the other one says "put some more cold water in then..
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So I went to the doctors the other day and it was at the top of a very tall building and I said I have got a very bad sore throat and runny nose and the doctor said ‘flu’ and I said no I came up in the lift! 😂😂😂
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I stayed up all last night wondering where the sun goes, then it dawned on me.
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Police have raided Kermit's lily pad and found 500 indecent images of Miss Piggy.
A spokesman said it was the worst case of frogs porn he'd ever seen
A spokesman said it was the worst case of frogs porn he'd ever seen
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I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill. It was the darkest day of my life
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My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.
He's Espanyol.
He's Espanyol.
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Why were the 2 flies playing football in the saucer?
They were practising for the cup!
They were practising for the cup!
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The fire brigade got called out to a Italian Sausage factory.
When they got there, they found it was a false salami.
When they got there, they found it was a false salami.
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I want to tell u a dirty joke?
The boy fell in the mud!
The boy fell in the mud!
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Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
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Why does Santa have one big red ball? He only comes once a year.
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Met this girl and took her home to meet my parents, my dad whispered to me "where the heck did you find her? She's cross eyed, bow legged and has buck teeth," I answered "there's no need to whisper dad she's deaf."
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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty pounds all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband?
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 pound note.
He took the crumpled Twenty pound note from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty pound all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled Fifty pound note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen 25,000 pounds all crumpled up?”
He said “No!”trying to hide his excitement and arousal.
She said….. “Darling, go check the garage.”
“No,” said her husband?
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled 20 pound note.
He took the crumpled Twenty pound note from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty pound all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a crumpled Fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled Fifty pound note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen 25,000 pounds all crumpled up?”
He said “No!”trying to hide his excitement and arousal.
She said….. “Darling, go check the garage.”
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What does a cow with no lips say?
”Ooooooooo”
”Ooooooooo”
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Whats Brown & Sticky?
A Stick 😙
A Stick 😙
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Sone astronauts were planning a trip to the sun...
'Won't it be too warm' asked a bystander
'No' replied am astronaut, "we'll go at night'
'Won't it be too warm' asked a bystander
'No' replied am astronaut, "we'll go at night'
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A Huddersfield woman stepped delicately out of the shower and slipped on the wet bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over, her legs skidded apart causing her to do the splits and suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles.
Stuck like a limpet to a ship's hull, she cried out for her husband.
"Dave!!!," she yelled.
So gulped down his can of beer and came running in.
I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said .
"Chuffin 'ell Love" said he as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck bad I'll nip across t' road and get Fred.
They come running back and they both try to pull the wife free.
"Nay, we can't do it. We can't break the vacuum," said Fred
"Lets go to Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Dave. "What's Plan B?"
"I go back home and get me hammer and chisel. Then we break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." Fred Replied
"Spot on, said Dave. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" , "Not exactly a good time for that, pal ."
"No" Dave replied, "But I reckon if I can get her aroused enough, we can slide her through inter t' kitchen where t' tiles aren't so expensive...
Instead of falling over, her legs skidded apart causing her to do the splits and suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles.
Stuck like a limpet to a ship's hull, she cried out for her husband.
"Dave!!!," she yelled.
So gulped down his can of beer and came running in.
I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said .
"Chuffin 'ell Love" said he as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck bad I'll nip across t' road and get Fred.
They come running back and they both try to pull the wife free.
"Nay, we can't do it. We can't break the vacuum," said Fred
"Lets go to Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Dave. "What's Plan B?"
"I go back home and get me hammer and chisel. Then we break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." Fred Replied
"Spot on, said Dave. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits?" , "Not exactly a good time for that, pal ."
"No" Dave replied, "But I reckon if I can get her aroused enough, we can slide her through inter t' kitchen where t' tiles aren't so expensive...
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I tried to catch fog yesterday.... mist! #NationalTellAJokeDay
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i'm so good at sleeping i can do it with my eyes closed
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today at the bank a man asked me to check his balance, so i pushed him over
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Two oranges rolling down the hill, one stopped why?
It ran out of juice.
It ran out of juice.
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How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden
Chase it round the garden
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